What does it take to be a man? 

Past the age of 13, teenage boys face stereotypes that feel more like unjustifiable accusations — being argumentative, childish and emotionally immature. 

However, the cure for most of these afflictions is something that’s readily available: forming emotional connections. 

Yet the outside world stops some of these boys from practicing a necessary human trait — emotional vulnerability. Senior Jamie Cook explains how despite being unintentional, this avoidance of feelings is potent. “They get uncomfortable when other guys cry in front of them or vent to them,” says Cook. “There are some that are okay with it, but they are generally just not as good as reading other people’s emotions.”  

These boys hide intense feelings such as grief from their friends. However, senior Timothy Allen explains that this may stem from a need to seem mature. “At the end of the day, we all think that we’re grown but we are all still children. We may not have developed the level of emotional maturity to process certain situations yet,” says Allen. “I think that if someone struggles with being able to talk to somebody, it’s not necessarily that they are emotionally incompetent, they may just not know how to express themselves.”  

The lack of knowledge of how to showcase emotion is also something they may have learnt from an early age.x Senior Jaiz Anderson explains how growing up doesn’t just mean getting taller — it also means knowing who you are. “Up until the age of 12 years old, I didn’t really cry,” says Anderson. “Up until then, I just didn’t really know like, ‘you can be emotional as a guy. You can have these emotions. You’re not supposed to be this like stone who is devoid of all human feeling.’” 

At this age, these teenage boys want vulnerable friendships but don’t know how to get there. Deep down, they desire raw, pure, unfiltered connections that help them express what is pent up inside. However, being the first person to break the social mold is harder than it seems. “We just don’t talk about those things. Most of what we do is very in the moment,” says senior Daniel Barrera. “We play games for six hours, and all we talk about is the game and never stop to think, ‘hey, when’s your birthday again?’” 

Time spent together, or even forming friendships, is not the issue behind this lack of sensitivity. “I share a lot of interests with guys, so I don’t have a lot of trouble making those friendships and keeping them,” says Cook. Barrera explains how the trouble lies in the internalized definition of what it means to be a man. “The typical rule of masculinity with guys basically says that we can’t show our emotions, emotional discomfort or sensitivity. “We don’t just bring up our problems with no spark. It’s pent up. It’s bottled up. Some won’t open up to their friends despite having a huge friend group because they’re not emotionally close,” explains Barrera. 

What then replaces tears is humor. When they can’t relate to each other directly, irony replaces vulnerability. After a breakup, while the girl may be running to her besties to cry it all out, her ex-boyfriend might be getting bashed for a “generational fumble”. “Sometimes I wish that there were topics that I could talk about to other guys that you don’t talk about very commonly,” says Barrera. 

In spite of that, Mr. Christan Bearup believes that this use of humor is not a source of concern. “If you need a layer of irony and humor to connect, and that is your connection, then lean into it,” says Mr. Bearup. “I wouldn’t tell a young man to have a mental health convo with his bros at the drop of a hat. I would suggest to be mindful, and to be conscious of the fact that [irony] will eventually need to be outgrown.” 

Allen shared how his friends have learned how to balance maturity and humor during sensitive conversations. “There are times when you joke. There are times when you need to be serious. If there is ever a situation where you’ve got something going on, where you feel like you can’t go about it on your own, you should have people in your life that can support you to their best ability,” says Allen. 

Emotional maturity is something that is learned slowly. While girls are expected to know how to handle their emotions from an early age, their male peers don’t have a guideline of how to express emotion. Anger comes out instead of tears. Being stoic is more acceptable than being visibly agitated. Unhealthy romances form instead of a pursuit of gentility.  

What boys need is platonic love for each other. There is only so much time to be a teen. Vulnerability is not optional to becoming a well-rounded adult — it’s essential. Everyone, regardless of gender, wants emotional connection. 
Pursue it, even if it’s uncomfortable. Being a man isn’t about standing alone but standing with others.